Ashes

This is a post that has been sitting in my ‘draft posts’ for well over a year and I’m still no nearer to letting your ashes go or even deciding what to do with them.

I read/heard somewhere that’s it’s not good to keep your ashes that it’s important you are set free – if anyone who reads this knows different please let me know because I can’t imagine ever wanting to let you go.

Now I know it’s not ‘you’ in there as such, I realize your spirit, your soul is around me whenever I need or think of you and lives in heaven with our lord, but what was the physical you, the you that I kissed and cuddled, the you that I gave birth to and breastfed is in that mound of ashes that sits on my bedside cabinet where I can see you at all times. The remains of the physical you is just too hard to contemplate letting go of even after 4 years.

When my dad died 2 and a bit months before you, his ashes sat with my mum for over a year but then she chose to spread them in a few special places close to both their hearts.

I remember the day so well as my pockets were full of my dads ashes in a sandwich bag as it was in a public park and every time the coast was clear Mum and I would scatter them onto the rose bushes as quickly as we could before someone would walk by – in fact one particular woman was in a very chatty mood and in the end we had to explain what we were doing as time was getting by. It did make us laugh.

I too had some of my dads ashes and mixed them with a bit of Órla’s ashes and set them in concrete in our family home which is where my only other child lives with her son, my beautiful grandson who we found out the day before you left us that she was expecting.

Other than that the rest sits here with me in my new home (I wonder what my fiancee Jim feels about this? I never really thought, but he’s an easygoing man who accepts the picture in every room and the feathers I collect and my sudden mood change and tears).

Órla’s dad has requested some of her ashes and I purchased a smaller urn an exact replica of the main one for him as he of course entitled to them but I can’t seem to let go and fortunately he is not pushing me.

It’s coming up to your 14th next month, 5th without us beside you and I’m still struggling with letting your ashes go.

love and miss you bubba until we meet again xxx

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4 YEARS

Four long hard years since you left us to fly with the angels, after only nine and a half years of enjoying your presence in our lives.  At times it only feels like yesterday and at times like today, it feels a lot longer than four years.  Thank God for technology I can still hear your voice and listen to you tales on video.  If I close my eyes really tightly and really concentrate I still feel yours arms around me, but your smell is gone forever and I’m struggling to remember it.

Stay with me baby please I need you my precious bubba

I miss you

3 years 10 months 9 days

I miss you so much

My heart breaks all over again

Will it ever ease?

No, I know that now

I want to shout your name over and over again

I want to hear you call mummy

I want to smell your hair and feel your arms around me

I miss you

I miss you so much

Why did it have to be like this

I want to believe there is a plan

I have to believe otherwise I may not see you again

Help me to believe my darling

Help me to live without you

I miss you

Love mummy ❤️

Christmas 2017

Today I finally figured this is my 4th Christmas without you and not my third as I thought. How could I have gotten that wrong? I suppose I see you being gone 3 and a bit years but of course there was that first birthday, first Halloween and first Christmas the year you left us in 2014 before we got to our first Easter and first Angelversary without you.

Now we’re on our 4th Christmas, my 3rd with my new grandchild and my 2nd with my new partner.

It was an easier Christmas taken over by Leigh being 2 years and 10 months and understanding the whole Santa Claus thing (how terrible that we explained Christmas as Santa Claus and being good and receiving presents and not Our Lords Son being born even though we tell him all the time that Órla and grandad live with Holy God in heaven).

I thought this year I was in a much better place to spread the Christmas cheer and participated in gift buying & wrapping etc with my immediate family. I even thought about sending Christmas cards to the important people in my life, i mulled over whether it should be a photo of Órla as a remembrance of her at this time then decided it was best to buy angel cards that supported Cystic Fibrosis. Happy with my choice when it came to writing them it just didn’t seem right, how could I write happy or merry when I’m without my child. I decided to pack them away for another year. With so many people choosing to donate to charities rather than waste money on postage it seems less obvious this year. In fact since I stopped sending cards since Órla passed at Christmas 2014 I have received less and less cards anyway, my sum total this year was 4 cards.

I seem to be surrounded by advertisements on TV for Pokémon this and Pokémon that, everywhere I look I see Pokémon plush toys and t-shirts readily available, it makes me think how far in advance of Christmas 2013 I had to order Pokémon for Órla as I had to order from America, China and Japan but the look on her little face when she opened her gifts was priceless. Thankfully I took some video of our last Christmas with her which I can look at whenever I choose. Thank goodness for modern technology.

She was such a tomboy and loved Pokémon and Sonic the hedgehog and video games but her favorite color was still pink and purple. She used to follow YouTube and in particular this gamer called Stampy. In fact when she was asked by the charity Make A Wish she asked to meet Stampy.

Unfortunately she passed away quicker than we thought and never got to meet him. I decorated her coffin with Stampy and Pokémon pictures I’m sure she would have been pleased. I also named my new hamster Stampy, it’s like I’m still trying to keep her with me all the time.

Anyway Christmas is over now as I try to finish this post. We got through it and I think in some parts we may have even enjoyed bits of it.

Miss you terrible my darling, love you to the moon and back.

Till we meet again

XXX

Happy birthday my beautiful girl

27th August 2017 would have been your 13th birthday, a teenager.  I wonder so much what you would have been like, would life have been any easier for you my darling.  Would you have understood your autism and cf more, would you have learnt to cope with taking your meds better or doing your physio? Realistically probably not.

You were always such a strong character and no one could tell you what to do, not even me who I know you trusted.  I miss you so much baby, I just wish I could visit you and wish you a happy birthday and get one more cuddle.

Gran and I booked a safari for the week of your birthday, how silly of me to think I would be too distracted and busy to be upset.  No matter how hard I try I’m finding it hard to stick to my promise to ‘celebrate’ your birth on this day and not the fact that your no longer with me.

Jim has made my life so much better and I thank God for sending him to me but the ache of you not being here never goes away.  Jim’s birthday falls the day before yours, this helps me realise how lucky I still am to have special people in my life.  He proposed to me in July and in such a romantic way I’m still reeling from it, I never expected myself to ever smile again let alone be happy and looking forward and not always backwards.

I miss you so much my bubba.

Happy Birthday my angel

Love momma xxxxx

I forgive him

Today my darling Órla I’m writing to tell you I forgive him – your dad

 I’ve spent so much of the last 3 years (and probably before that) blaming him for my losing you.  Now I know that sounds ridiculous as you died from Cystic Fibrosis and your Autism attributed to its decline so it’s not as if he had anything personally to do with it – right?

Although if I’m being factual here both your dad and I had the gene that carries CF and therefore we are both to blame for giving you that horrible disease. 

No I’m not talking factual, I’m talking about the day (or indeed days) your dad promised me he had not been unfaithful and as I didn’t believe him I asked him to swear on your life and he did.  

Of course we know now that firstly,  he doesn’t believe in God and therefore the swear meant absolutely nothing to him, and secondly, it was one of the first of many lies throughout our marriage.  What he did know was how I judged his response on my belief and my faith and him knowing how much I believed.

I suppose I needed someone to blame, someone to feel angry with.  It is said that people turn from God at times of grief but for me he was my only link left to you and I needed to stay as close as possible to him if I was ever to see you again – so I turned on your dad.

From the very second the light went out in your eyes I hated him with a passion, I wanted him to have no part in your funeral, I could barely stand to have him in the house.  I turned my back on him and didn’t see him again in nearly three years.  Years we could of helped each other grieve OR NOT we will never know I never gave him the chance but thankfully I also had family and friends and two lovely therapists to help me get through it.

I now feel it’s time to let go of my anger and to be grateful we both have come out the other side albeit it broken and torn were still here when your not.

It was on your third anniversary that I reached out as I knew no one else in this whole world was feeling as I was during those hours except your dad and I.  I missed you so much it physically hurt every bit of me.  

It felt good talking about you, remembering you together.  You are our precious baby and nobody could love you more than your mom and dad.  I felt a great relief as if you were happy with me, and your dad said it helped him too.  Maybe one day I’ll be able to meet him again and remember the happy times we had with you.  I love you my bubba and continue to miss you every waking moment.

Till we meet again xxxxx

My most precious gift

Today my darling, I feel you about me but I’m not crying and I’m not sad.  It was your third anniversary a couple of days ago and although it wasn’t a great week I got through it.  Three years and Four days ago I last heard your voice, three years ago and two days ago i last saw you physically but today I feel you all around me and I want to thank you for that my little bubba.


Till we meet again 🌹