Happy birthday my beautiful girl

27th August 2017 would have been your 13th birthday, a teenager.  I wonder so much what you would have been like, would life have been any easier for you my darling.  Would you have understood your autism and cf more, would you have learnt to cope with taking your meds better or doing your physio? Realistically probably not.

You were always such a strong character and no one could tell you what to do, not even me who I know you trusted.  I miss you so much baby, I just wish I could visit you and wish you a happy birthday and get one more cuddle.

Gran and I booked a safari for the week of your birthday, how silly of me to think I would be too distracted and busy to be upset.  No matter how hard I try I’m finding it hard to stick to my promise to ‘celebrate’ your birth on this day and not the fact that your no longer with me.  

Jim has made my life so much better and I thank God for sending him to me but the ache of you not being here never goes away.  Jim’s birthday falls the day before yours, this helps me realise how lucky I still am to have special people in my life.  He proposed to me in July and in such a romantic way I’m still reeling from it, I never expected myself to ever smile again let alone be happy and looking forward and not always backwards.

I miss you so much my bubba.

Happy Birthday my angel

Love momma xxxxx

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I forgive him

Today my darling Órla I’m writing to tell you I forgive him – your dad

 I’ve spent so much of the last 3 years (and probably before that) blaming him for my losing you.  Now I know that sounds ridiculous as you died from Cystic Fibrosis and your Autism attributed to its decline so it’s not as if he had anything personally to do with it – right?

Although if I’m being factual here both your dad and I had the gene that carries CF and therefore we are both to blame for giving you that horrible disease. 

No I’m not talking factual, I’m talking about the day (or indeed days) your dad promised me he had not been unfaithful and as I didn’t believe him I asked him to swear on your life and he did.  

Of course we know now that firstly,  he doesn’t believe in God and therefore the swear meant absolutely nothing to him, and secondly, it was one of the first of many lies throughout our marriage.  What he did know was how I judged his response on my belief and my faith and him knowing how much I believed.

I suppose I needed someone to blame, someone to feel angry with.  It is said that people turn from God at times of grief but for me he was my only link left to you and I needed to stay as close as possible to him if I was ever to see you again – so I turned on your dad.

From the very second the light went out in your eyes I hated him with a passion, I wanted him to have no part in your funeral, I could barely stand to have him in the house.  I turned my back on him and didn’t see him again in nearly three years.  Years we could of helped each other grieve OR NOT we will never know I never gave him the chance but thankfully I also had family and friends and two lovely therapists to help me get through it.

I now feel it’s time to let go of my anger and to be grateful we both have come out the other side albeit it broken and torn were still here when your not.

It was on your third anniversary that I reached out as I knew no one else in this whole world was feeling as I was during those hours except your dad and I.  I missed you so much it physically hurt every bit of me.  

It felt good talking about you, remembering you together.  You are our precious baby and nobody could love you more than your mom and dad.  I felt a great relief as if you were happy with me, and your dad said it helped him too.  Maybe one day I’ll be able to meet him again and remember the happy times we had with you.  I love you my bubba and continue to miss you every waking moment.

Till we meet again xxxxx

My most precious gift

Today my darling, I feel you about me but I’m not crying and I’m not sad.  It was your third anniversary a couple of days ago and although it wasn’t a great week I got through it.  Three years and Four days ago I last heard your voice, three years ago and two days ago i last saw you physically but today I feel you all around me and I want to thank you for that my little bubba.


Till we meet again 🌹

Another Easter without you 💔


We’re coming up to another Easter without you my darling how I wish I was hiding eggs for you as well as Leigh.  

It’s Jim and my first Easter in our new apartment so I’m inviting grandma, Zoëy and of course Leigh round for turkey and ham dinner.  Trying to set new traditions for our family as you and grandad are not here to do our old traditions.  It’s still so hard without you I can’t believe it’s nearly three years why doesn’t it get any easier.  I miss you so much my life just doesn’t seem worth it.  I still long for the day I join you and I know I’m not supposed to feel like this but I do, not every day but most days.

I know I’m lucky to have a beautiful grandson now and a daughter to be proud of but the yearning to cuddle you, to hold you in my arms is still so strong, I simply can’t imagine not feeling this way, 

Gran and I are still traveling the world and trying to live life to the full as we promised you and grandad but the novelty soon wears off and your dragged back to reality.

If I could ask one request from you & grandad could you please send someone for your sister.  CeCe (Zoëy) makes out she’s so strong and independent and she is but she, as you know, struggles on her own with Leigh,  my one wish is for her to find a special person to look after her and help her bring up Leigh together.  She certainly deserves it after what she’s been through.

Happy Easter my beautiful girl, mommy loves you so much. 

Until we meet again my angel

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

Miss you my darling 

Thoughts of you fill my mind so much this last week my darling Órla.

Leigh just turned two and is growing into a beautiful little boy, it scares me to think that he is quickly growing and will soon reach and go past your 9 years.  I’m so lucky to have such a beautiful grandson in my life but I can’t help feel how cruel life is.  I would give anything to have you back.

I of course miss grandad too but he lived a good life and I had him for 46 years as my daddy, your life was so short and full of pain.  How can god have been so cruel?

I’m as happy as I can be in this world without you, I’m in love with a whole new chapter beginning for Jim and I in our new home.  I’m moving back to be near Zoëy and Leigh and all my friends and grandma and myself have some fabulous holiday adventures coming up this year.  I realise how lucky I am compared to some others but I’d give it all up in a heartbeat if I could see you and hold just one more day.

I thought time was supposed to heal …..

It doesn’t it just makes me worry I’ll forget the sound of your voice, the smell of your hair and the feel of my arms around you.

I miss you so much my Órla porla.

Mummy loves you xxxxxx


Another Christmas without you 💔


It’s been nearly 4 months since I’ve written on your blog, my last post was for your birthday.  So much has happened in those months darling. 

I met and fell in love with a lovely man, a good man who looks after me.  On our first date he bought me a beautiful rose made out of feathers.  I felt it was a sign from you my Órla Rose giving your approval.  On our second date I found out his birthday was the day before yours (a day now that I dread every year) and that evening whilst we were standing outside I noticed a little white fluffy feather, my sign from you to let me know your there, directly at his feet.  

We’re on our 6th month together now and I can’t quite believe I feel happiness again.  For a while I felt guilty that I woke up thinking of him and not you but I know you knew that I could never forget you my darling.  We’re making plans for the future and for the first time since you left us I’m looking forward to my future.  I talk about you all the time to him.  I want him to know you and learn how brave and strong you were.  I show him your pictures and let him hear your voice, he comforts me when I’m having a bad day although I know he can’t feel my pain it’s nice to have someone to cuddle & love me again.

It’s approaching Christmas again, our third without you and myself, Jim, grandma, CeCe and Leigh will all be spending it together.  Grandma put her tree up this year as Leigh is more aware of what’s going on around him the first time since you and grandad went to heaven.  This week I put my Órla angel tree up and began selling your Órla Angel key rings and bookmarks for your memorial fund.  It’s cheered me up so much that I actually feel a bit Christmassy.

I hope you and grandad are happy & excited and looking forward to Jesus’s birthday up there.  We will never enjoy Christmas the same ever again without you both but I want you to know that although I miss you everyday bubba I’m ok and living my life to the full.

Till we meet again my angel xxxxxx