Today it is exactly 5 months since my angel gained her wings, in fact to the minute as I’m writing this, 5 months since I’ve heard her voice, 5 months since I’ touched her thin but warm skin or felt her arms around me. How can it be only 5 months when it feels like years? sometimes I still hear her call me but then realise it cant be. I still have her drawings and pictures all over the fridge as if nothing has changed and yet everything has changed.
Last night I decided to write to all the cf mommy’s that travelled beside me on this journey explaining how i found it difficult to read their posts about the struggle they are still having with their little ones about how hard it is for me to read how their children are doing. I would give anything to be still struggling with Órla, to have hope for the future again.
The road I am walking is very lonely with very few passers by, even the closest people do not feel the bumps and turns in the road as I do. How i wish id never had to walk it but I know that i will not find peace until i have.
One thing I have promised myself and Órla is that I will live the rest of my life to the full and not waste any of it. After spending the last 15 years in an abusive relationship and fighting for Órla’s rights as an autistic child and then caring for her after her cystic fibrosis diagnosis I felt I lost myself. I’m still not sure who I am other than the mommy to two beautiful girls but I’m sure a hell gonna try and found out. Órla and God, i believe, gave me this second chance and I will not let them down.