I struggled to begin this post today, last Saturday should have been your 12th birthday with your family and of course we celebrated it with cake and a party (although as you know your mom & gran got so drunk we forgot all about lighting you cake until the next day).
Was it your 12th birthday? Are you 12 my angel or are you forever 9 in heaven? I promised to always celebrate your birthday & try and be happy because that was the day you blessed us with your life but I’m not sure how I should think of you now as my ever growing nearly teenager? But no that can’t be, do you still grow in heaven?
I had planned a fancy dinner to raise funds for your memorial page for Cystic Fibrosis, I so wanted to hit that £2000 mark but it all got too much for me and I cancelled it all at the last minute. Why do I put so much pressure on myself, I feel I should be doing something important on your birthday and doing something in your honour, I want people to say your name & talk about you, I never want you to be forgotten.
So I put party decorations up and blew up balloons and cooked a special dinner for gran, CeCe & baby leighlo, Uncle Pat, Aunty Ann & your cousin Lauryn. I also had Jim there which I know you would have wanted as you sent him to me. We released some of your special balloons in the park and tried to fly some lanterns which was a complete disaster but gave us a laugh at the time.
After hours of dancing to Mike Denver in the front room (I even managed to drag Uncle Pat up for a dance or two) I was told I fell asleep at 3.30 am although I really don’t remember. I think it was safe to say we definitely ‘celebrated’ the day in your honour.
I think I’m choosing to believe that you are forever 9 in heaven and that although your birthday here on earth would have made you older we are just celebrating the 9 years 9 months & 20 days we had you with us.
Happy Birthday my precious girl, I miss you so much darling but then you know that already.
Till we meet again.