This is a post that has been sitting in my ‘draft posts’ for well over a year and I’m still no nearer to letting your ashes go or even deciding what to do with them.
I read/heard somewhere that’s it’s not good to keep your ashes that it’s important you are set free – if anyone who reads this knows different please let me know because I can’t imagine ever wanting to let you go.
Now I know it’s not ‘you’ in there as such, I realize your spirit, your soul is around me whenever I need or think of you and lives in heaven with our lord, but what was the physical you, the you that I kissed and cuddled, the you that I gave birth to and breastfed is in that mound of ashes that sits on my bedside cabinet where I can see you at all times. The remains of the physical you is just too hard to contemplate letting go of even after 4 years.
When my dad died 2 and a bit months before you, his ashes sat with my mum for over a year but then she chose to spread them in a few special places close to both their hearts.
I remember the day so well as my pockets were full of my dads ashes in a sandwich bag as it was in a public park and every time the coast was clear Mum and I would scatter them onto the rose bushes as quickly as we could before someone would walk by – in fact one particular woman was in a very chatty mood and in the end we had to explain what we were doing as time was getting by. It did make us laugh.
I too had some of my dads ashes and mixed them with a bit of Órla’s ashes and set them in concrete in our family home which is where my only other child lives with her son, my beautiful grandson who we found out the day before you left us that she was expecting.
Other than that the rest sits here with me in my new home (I wonder what my fiancee Jim feels about this? I never really thought, but he’s an easygoing man who accepts the picture in every room and the feathers I collect and my sudden mood change and tears).
Órla’s dad has requested some of her ashes and I purchased a smaller urn an exact replica of the main one for him as he of course entitled to them but I can’t seem to let go and fortunately he is not pushing me.
It’s coming up to your 14th next month, 5th without us beside you and I’m still struggling with letting your ashes go.
love and miss you bubba until we meet again xxx