It’s been a while since I’ve posted so I thought as it’s just past your 5th angelversary I’d write about how life is 5 years on from losing you.
I still miss you every minute of everyday, I can’t imagine that ever changing but the rest of my physical life continues as if nothing is different, my physical presence does the same things I still watch tv, visit friends, go on holidays.
I’ve moved home 3 times since you went to heaven. At the end of last year I sold the home I bought to raise you girls in, the house you had most of your firsts in – first walk, first birthday party, first cot, first big girl bed, first swing, first dog, first day at school, first tooth fairy so many firsts but also memories of all your lasts, last cuddle, last kiss, last fight, last breath.
Órla’s first day home
Órla’s first birthday
It was a big decision to let go of this house, I had moved out to live with grandma a year after you’ve passed and your sister lived there with her baby son. Then I met jim and moved into a rental but i knew eventually we wanted to buy a house together and so made the decision to sell. To be honest it was easier than I thought I felt I was making a fresh start and leaving all the bad memories of the house behind – you did spend your last days suffering in that house and our fun front room turned into your dying room and your morgue. All the happy memories were tucked already deep inside and I struggled to see them, now the house is gone I’m remembering the happiness the house had rather than the sadness.
Ironically your sister now rents 5 doors down the road so I still see it every week but it doesn’t pull me down in the same way – I don’t have the ‘what if’s’ anymore.
I’ve travelled more than ever and seen so much of this beautiful world. I’ve made new friends and had new adventures, I’ve welcomed a grandson into my life and 3 beautiful grandchildren from Jim’s son. So life has been busy and ongoing
The pain in my heart is still there, the pain doesn’t ever reduce and I don’t imagine it ever will. I cope, I get by, I don’t feel the urge to join you right now as I did at the beginning of this journey, although I have no fear of death whatsoever if it means being with you again. I’m happy to be patient and wait I know my time will come when we will be reunited. Some days are harder than others but I try to remind myself that you were in a lot of pain in this world especially at the end, I also remind myself that grandad is there with you so your not alone.
I can’t imagine what it must be like for moms and dads who lose perfectly healthy children in a horrific accident or in an act of violence knowing they had a whole happy healthy life ahead of them. I got used to compromising and changing my expectations when you were first diagnosed with autism at 4 years old, life for you was going to be testing to say the least and then when they diagnosed you with CF we adjusted to accepting life may be shorter and we lived everyday as if it was the last.
I’m so glad I gave up work to spend more time with you, I’m so glad I took you out of school as you hated it so much and I’m forever grateful for the special holidays we had together before things got really bad. I’m so lucky to have had you in my life with your quirky ways and deviously funny nature. We shared such a close bond and that will never change. I’m blessed with being able to hear your voice and looking at your homemade videos when I feel able to.
Our last happy holiday
I wish things could have been different and you could have lived a happy healthy life, gone to college and fulfilled your dreams. I would have been so happy to see you on your wedding day and be by your side when you gave birth to your children but it wasn’t meant to be. God had a bigger plan for both you and me and I have to trust in this.
That is what keeps me going and keeps me strong I’m determined not to waste the life I still have and with every breath I want to keep reminding people about you and how brave and strong you were. I don’t ever want a day to go by when I don’t say your name or think of your beautiful face or funny voice.
And so I will continue
Until we meet again Órla Porla my little bubba