18 years old

I can’t believe you will be 18 in 2 days time. A grown up. I bet you’d be still bossing me about and ruling the roost. Will you be celebrating up there in heaven or is everyday a celebration? I really hope so darling.

This year has been a difficult one and yet I seem to say that every year these days. Life is hard without you and grandad in it with me. I still feel half of my life is here with mum & CeCe and the other half is with you & grandad. I don’t think that will ever change.

we celebrated grandmas 75th birth in July and some of the family got together in the place where I was supposed to be getting married in. It was bitter sweet because although it was still a celebration it was not what I’d hired the house out for originally.

Mums 75th

Different family members let us down and it was quite a challenge to put it together as well as a lot of cost and hard work and to be honest I’m not sure it was appreciated by anyone. Sometimes I feel totally used and wonder why on earth I bother.

I’m trying to stay optimistic and look forward to the future but I’m struggling, I feel like why are all these things happening to me. Everyday brings another worry another struggle and it really hard not to just give up and be with you. I know that can’t happen because I am all your sister has and I don’t want her to be on her own. Oh how I wish she could meet someone and fall in love and have someone there to care for her and Leigh so I wouldn’t have to worry about her so much.

But then again that’s all I’ve ever wished her but life doesn’t always work out that way.

I made the decision to bury the rest of your ashes, it caused a huge row with your sister because she believes your ashes should be set free, but I felt I needed somewhere to be able to go and visit you, somewhere I needed to tend to and look after to give me a purpose. I’m very happy with my choice and I find it peaceful going to visit you and sitting on your bench. It’s occupied my thoughts quite a lot this last few weeks in a good way.

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