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Your first Angelversary ♥️

I can’t quite believe In 5 days it will be a year since you’ve left me, my world has been turned upside down and inside out and yet I’m still standing.  Most people would be angry at the world, at God, for letting this happen to you.  It’s so unfair that your life was so short and filled with so much confusion and pain but in my hour of need I’ve turned to God.  Now it’s not that I didn’t believe before, my parents brought me up as a good catholic but going to mass every week was not something  I did once I left my parents house. I still believed but not like I do today.

When you got sick I started talking more and more to God, asking for strength & hope and then when your pain was so bad I begged God to take you home to him.  These days I ask for guidance in my life, I ask for peace within myself, I ask for help to keep my mental state at a healthy balance even if it is with the help of man made drugs (there were some tricky times at the start) I try to look at the positives I’ve had in my life and not just the negatives.  I’m grateful for the 9 years I had with you and look forward to when we meet again.

I thank god everyday for the gift of living, the gift of making new friendships and having new experiences. I’m grateful to have my family so close and I’m thankful that I’m finally able to bond with my new grandson without feeling guilty of loving and missing you less.  

That’s not to say I’m happy because I can categorically say that  I will never truly be happy again without you by my side.  My heart will be forever broken but I am learning to deal with the ache of missing you, I’m getting used to controlling the uncontrollable sobbing, my body is accepting the physical pain I feel every time I remember your not here as a new normal.

I hope you are happy in your new home and that your not teasing granda too much. I hope you have lots of new friends to play with because that was something that you struggled with here on earth, you deserve lots of friends.  

Thank you for the signs you have been sending me, I’m sorry I keep asking but I need to know your ok without me. You always seem to know when I need them most. I know your watching over us all and keeping us safe. 

I miss you so much Órla porla but I know your in your paradise.

You will always be ‘mamma’s little bubba and my number one’ (Cece knows the rules) xxx

   
 

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Easter Sunday

Another first for our family without órla, I try to carry on the day as normal preparing the turkey & ham, oh how órla loved her turkey and roast potatoes. I go to mass and see all the pretty children dressed in their smart clothes and the odd Easter bonnet.  I’m trying to concentrate on the true meaning of Easter, of Christ suffering on the cross for our sins, of his resurrection on the third day but all I seem to be able to focus on is the little girl sitting across from me in her mother’s arms.  She offers me a shy smile then cuddles into her mummy for reassurance and security and it dawns on me that I will never cuddle órla in my arms again, never being able to offer her that comfort and security that every child deserves.

I’m aware of the complete irony of that statement as I’m sitting here in God’s house and worrying about my child feeling insecure when I know deep down that she is free from pain and any other physical emotions that are negative.  Of course she misses me but she is with our Lord, our saviour how could she ever feel unsafe or insecure again with God’s arms wrapped around her.

Maybe its my selfishness that I won’t get to cuddle my baby girl again that I can’t give the comfort I so desperately need to give again.  I have to accept that this Easter there will be no Easter egg hunt, there will be no Easter egg buying and there will be no Easter hugs from my ÓrlaRose.  This is my new world.  This is the world I have no choice but to accept from now on.

Happy Easter my brave & beautiful girl.  Mummy misses you so much. Xxx

 

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My ‘rainbow’ grandchild

Rainbow child  :  A child that is born following the death of a child

In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

I’d never heard the term ‘rainbow child’ or ‘rainbow baby’ before I became a bereaved mother, but since reading the many blogs & articles about losing a child I’ve become very familiar with it.

Leigh is my ‘rainbow’ child.  I found out two days before Órla died that my eldest daughter was to become a mother for the first time.  I was so happy to be able to tell Órla she was going to be an aunty. Her response to this fabulous news? ‘Yeah whatever’ now most would think this was because she was so ill and frail but those of us who knew her well know that this was a typical response from Órla when it was something that didn’t really interest her.  I know she thought about the baby because later that evening she said she wondered what the baby would look like.

A day and a half later my baby was gone, never to see or hold her niece/ nephew in her arms, never to hear her name ‘Aunty Órla’ being called.  I desperately searched the web to read about the afterlife and to see if it was possible for órla’s soul to know and see the baby’s soul before it was born.  After all as a true believer we didn’t ‘just die’ it’s only our physical self that dies.  I saw that in Órla’s body, it was just a shell, I knew Órla wasn’t there anymore.  So where was the baby’s soul?

A lot of people believe that a baby’s soul doesn’t enter the physical body until the moment of birth, that the soul stays near to the mother.  I liked this idea, I liked the thought that my dad and Órla got to know and love Leigh’s soul before we did.  They say children see spirits well Leigh  definitely does from day one he looked past my shoulder and now at 5 weeks old he smiles (yes actually smiles) and get very excited looking over my shoulder.  When I hold him he very rarely focuses on my face like he does with his mum and other people but concentrates on a spot over my shoulder.  I like to believe this is Órla’s spirit bobbing around and teasing him just like she would have done if she were here in physical form.

My ‘rainbow’ grandchild has brightened my life without a doubt but it also comes with memories of when Órla was a baby, how Órla slept/took her bottle/did what at what age.  I know we’re supposed to remember the happier times and not the illness but the happier times with Órla are tinged with ‘what if we’d known’ ‘what if I’d said’ ‘ what if she were born here’ ( Órla was born with cystic fibrosis but it wasn’t detected until she was 6 when the damage had already been done).  Seeing my daughter become the beautiful mother I knew she’d be reminds me everyday that my baby’s not here anymore that I no longer have dreams of what she will look like when she’s a teenager or what kind of adult she will become.  My dreams are now filled with seeing her again in heaven, holding her once more hearing her call me mom.

So yes Leigh is my ‘rainbow’ grandchild but Órla will always be my rainbow.

Orla Rose  3 weeks old

Orla Rose
3 weeks old

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Leigh Patrick 3 weeks old