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Christmas day

I knew this day was coming, I tried to prepare myself but nothing could prepare for the loss I feel today.  My heart feels like it has broken in two. I miss you so much my precious bubba xxxxx

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Our 1st Christmas without you

My girlsimageTomorrow it will be your six month anniversary, I thought I was doing well.  I’m on my medications and I’ve continued to see my councillor every fortnight, ive even started to eat healthier and lose weight because I promised you I was not going to waste the life I’ve been given and try and live it to the full in your honour but today it has suddenly dawned on me that you will not be here at Christmas now I know that sounds silly, of course I knew you were gone and Christmas will never be the same again but today it hit me again like a bolt that I’m not going to ever see you open your presents again, im not ever going to hear your questions about S anta again, I’m not ever going to wrap anymore surprises for you.  I can’t imagine ever wanting to decorate a tree again or cook a turkey dinner, I cant imagine Christmas ever to be happy again without you.

Grandma and I decided that it would be easier to be in a different country this Christmas as it’s our first without you and grandad, I’m glad you have each other.  We’ve decided to go visit aunty Céline in Canada and as much as I’m looking forward to seeing them all im wishing it was all over and 2014 was done.  I know you and grandad had a word with God and sent us a beautiful gift to help us look forward and CeCe is very excited about being a mommy, I’m so very proud of how CeCe has coped this last 9 months, she has looked after grandma and I every day and soon baby Leigh will be here for us all.

I really wish I could spend Christmas with you and grandad just one more time.

5 months

Today it is exactly 5 months since my angel gained her wings, in fact to the minute as I’m writing this, 5 months since I’ve heard her voice, 5 months since I’ touched her thin but warm skin or felt her arms around me.  How can it be only 5 months when it feels like years? sometimes I still hear her call me but then realise it cant be.  I still have her drawings and pictures all over the fridge as if nothing has changed and yet everything has changed.

Last night I decided to write to all the cf mommy’s that travelled beside me on this journey explaining how i found it difficult to read their posts about the struggle they are still having with their little ones about how hard it is for me to read how their children are doing.  I would give anything to be still struggling with Órla, to have hope for the future again.

The road I am walking is very lonely with very few passers by, even the closest people do not feel the bumps and turns in the road as I do.  How i wish id never had to walk it but I know that i will not find peace until i have.

One thing I have promised myself and Órla is that I will live the rest of my life to the full and not waste any of it.  After spending the last 15 years in an abusive relationship and fighting for Órla’s rights as an autistic child and then caring for her after her cystic fibrosis diagnosis I felt I lost myself.  I’m still not sure who I am other than the mommy to two beautiful girls but I’m sure a hell gonna try and found out.  Órla and God, i believe, gave me this second chance and I will not let them down.

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