Good morning my beautiful angel, I’m sorry I’ve not been blogging very often these days but you know how difficult I’m finding life right now. You know I think of you every day and always will. Another Christmas Day without you, I can’t seem to feel any Christmas spirit this year. Please continue to sleep with me and cuddle me at night like I was told you do.
Mommy loves and misses you, I’m sorry I haven’t been blogging lately life has been difficult.
A virus took hold of our community and changed the world around us. Lots of people died and we weren’t allowed to see each other for quite some time. Mommy got very depressed, she was stuck living with jim and his son with a huge caravan outside in her back garden. She didn’t get to see her friends and took to drinking away her problems.
Our wedding was cancelled and my relationship was put under a lot of pressure.
There were positives also grandma saw how alone she is living in Dublin and decided to move up beside me to the house next door.
We were both grateful that we didn’t have to see you and grandad succumb to this horrendous disease because people were dying and nobody was allowed to be with them so they died on their own or with only strangers around them. That would have been so difficult for all of us if you were both still here.
Mummy now lives on her own it’s been 5 months since Jim moved out and I now own the house by myself. I like living on my own most of the time but it’s so nice knowing grandma is only next door. I rescued 2 kittens and wow do I love them. Your dog Lillipup turned 9 and is still a big pain in my bum but she is such a loyal dog.
I had all my skin surgery’s now and so am feeling the best in my body ever. I get such a thrill from buying clothes. Jim and I still see each other but he went back to England so it’s only maybe once or twice a month but for now it suits both of us.
Mummy’s needed a little extra help and has gone back to counselling to deal with all the stuff I’ve pushed to the back of my mind. I’m looking forward and not backwards so bring on 2022.
I’m not ready to be with you and granda yet I’ve still so much living in front of me. I love you so much my little bubba, thanks for being around me when I need you I feel yours and grandads strength and protection. I will come through this.
I dreamed of you my baby and it felt so precious. I knew in my dream you were dead and this was just a dream so I kept cuddling and kissing you so I could feel you again and I did I could you were real again just for those brief moments. I remembered your smile, your cheekiness and the cute little way you walked when you were a toddler. My dream then skipped to when you were older and I used to get you dressed for school. Even in my dream I was feeling apprehensive in case I’d chosen the wrong clothes or you’d refuse to get dressed. God you were hard work my angel but I loved every single bone in your body and would give anything to have you here beside me again.
I miss you so much bubba. Today is a day when I feel like I could easily be persuaded to be with you and granda and not here living my life as it is right now.
Stay close to me these next few days baby, I need to feel you beside me.
This year would have been your 16th birthday – where did that time go?
I’d planned to celebrate the day with grandma zoey & Leigh but zoey had her usual ‘drama’ so it was just gran and me. Zoey Leigh & myself decided to release some balloons in one of your favourite spots but of course I couldn’t find it. Your dad usually drove us. We managed to find somewhere nice and I also released some of your ashes.
I really can’t believe it’s 6 years tomorrow since you left us.
There’s not a day goes by that your sister Zoëy & myself don’t share your name and even her little son Leigh talks a lot about his aunty Órla in heaven and I love him a little bit more every time he picks up a feather as says ‘oh look grandma it’s aunty Órla.
I so wish you could meet him and he you but it was not meant to be. Your mummy looks so different to you used to see her. I’ve lost over 13 stone that’s like another whole person. I now would have the energy to push you around and carry you. God I wish I could do that now. I’m off next week to an operation to get rid of my baggy skin and I’m excited and terrified at the same time but keep thinking what’s the worst can happen I could die but I get to you my little bubba if I do so I’m not going to be scared.
It seems fitting that the new me will be emerging at this sad time of year.
I don’t write too often these days because I simply cannot write anything to you without ending up upset and I try not to dwell too much.
This time every year since you’ve gone is a countdown of terrible memories that I wish I didn’t have but there also the last previous days we had with you.
Sleep tight my little princess, my beautiful Órla Rose ❤️
This post somehow didn’t get published so I’m doing it now 6 months later.
I miss you so much darling, it’s scary that the years without you are flying by and lots of new memories are without you by my side. I wish I had new adventures of you to post and new birthdays instead of reposting old photographs of you. I wish Leigh had real memories of you and not just stories told of aunty Órla in heaven.
The new breakthrough drug for cystic fibrosis patients has finely been approved by the NHS in Northern Ireland which is bittersweet but then because of your autism you weren’t good at taking your meds were you my pet, so it probably wouldn’t have saved you.
Why is life so cruel? Why you?
Your great granny mullins passed away last month, but you know that don’t you cause she’s with you and grandad now. We went to her months mind of Saturday and the priest was talking about believing in the afterlife and heaven. He mentioned about how some souls are taken earlier than others (granny was 100) and he believed that it was because they had already done their job and their presence had influenced enough people already that their job was done earlier.
I liked that idea, that you had such an affect on peoples lives when they met you that your job on earth was done quicker than most. I do know you taught me and cece how lucky we are to have life and to be grateful for it. How important family is and how we must treasure everything and everybody around us because no one knows when we just might be taken away.
I dreamt of you last night my darling. I miss you so much each and every day.
I visited aunty Celine in Canada last week and seeing your cousin Delaney who is 2 weeks younger than you made me realise how grown up you would be now as a fifteen year old. I can’t believe it’s been five years already.
I’ll be decorating my Órla tree this week with Christmas angels and other bits that remind me of you and I’ll have it lit throughout Christmas.
So today I’m planning bits of my future wedding day and it’s so important to me that Órla is involved throughout the day.
Roses have always been one of my favorite flowers so when I gave my eldest child Zoey (who was 9 years old at the time), the choice of middle name for my expected baby I was thrilled when she chose Rose.
When Órla was taken from us too early I constantly referred to her as Órla Rose. Suddenly I had to be surrounded by all this roses. I spread rose petals in her coffin covering her body. I had bunches of roses in vases in the room she rested in until it was time for her body to leave. My bedroom wallpaper is roses as is my bedspread. The first gift my fiancée gave me was a single rose.
So needless to say our wedding invites will be adorned in roses, our family unity candles are being designed with roses on them, our table decorations will be circles of roses and of course my bouquet will be roses.
I want to have her there with me throughout the day and when choosing our songs for the evening the Dj informed me he uses a huge screen for displaying pictures whilst a song is being played, it was then that I remembered Órla’s favourite song to sing was shine bright like a diamond by Rihanna. In fact I remembered her singing it so much I knew I had a recording of it on her iPad. When she had flown home it was one of the pleasures discovering 4 short videos she had made herself a few months before she left us.
I said this to the dj and he said he could add her voice to the song during the chorus whilst playing the song and some pictures clips on the screen. I got so excited at the thought that I was going to hear her on my day and dance to her favorite song.
Today I went to search out her video clips only to find that it was obviously in my mind I could hear her sing the song and not that she had recorded it at all, how could I have got it so wrong? I can hear her sing it right now …..
Five years on and it still cuts like a blade and I’m still discovering new hurts. I really wish she could be there with me physically and not just in spirit.