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4 YEARS

Four long hard years since you left us to fly with the angels, after only nine and a half years of enjoying your presence in our lives.  At times it only feels like yesterday and at times like today, it feels a lot longer than four years.  Thank God for technology I can still hear your voice and listen to you tales on video.  If I close my eyes really tightly and really concentrate I still feel yours arms around me, but your smell is gone forever and I’m struggling to remember it.

Stay with me baby please I need you my precious bubba

I miss you

3 years 10 months 9 days

I miss you so much

My heart breaks all over again

Will it ever ease?

No, I know that now

I want to shout your name over and over again

I want to hear you call mummy

I want to smell your hair and feel your arms around me

I miss you

I miss you so much

Why did it have to be like this

I want to believe there is a plan

I have to believe otherwise I may not see you again

Help me to believe my darling

Help me to live without you

I miss you

Love mummy ❤️

Christmas 2017

Today I finally figured this is my 4th Christmas without you and not my third as I thought. How could I have gotten that wrong? I suppose I see you being gone 3 and a bit years but of course there was that first birthday, first Halloween and first Christmas the year you left us in 2014 before we got to our first Easter and first Angelversary without you.

Now we’re on our 4th Christmas, my 3rd with my new grandchild and my 2nd with my new partner.

It was an easier Christmas taken over by Leigh being 2 years and 10 months and understanding the whole Santa Claus thing (how terrible that we explained Christmas as Santa Claus and being good and receiving presents and not Our Lords Son being born even though we tell him all the time that Órla and grandad live with Holy God in heaven).

I thought this year I was in a much better place to spread the Christmas cheer and participated in gift buying & wrapping etc with my immediate family. I even thought about sending Christmas cards to the important people in my life, i mulled over whether it should be a photo of Órla as a remembrance of her at this time then decided it was best to buy angel cards that supported Cystic Fibrosis. Happy with my choice when it came to writing them it just didn’t seem right, how could I write happy or merry when I’m without my child. I decided to pack them away for another year. With so many people choosing to donate to charities rather than waste money on postage it seems less obvious this year. In fact since I stopped sending cards since Órla passed at Christmas 2014 I have received less and less cards anyway, my sum total this year was 4 cards.

I seem to be surrounded by advertisements on TV for Pokémon this and Pokémon that, everywhere I look I see Pokémon plush toys and t-shirts readily available, it makes me think how far in advance of Christmas 2013 I had to order Pokémon for Órla as I had to order from America, China and Japan but the look on her little face when she opened her gifts was priceless. Thankfully I took some video of our last Christmas with her which I can look at whenever I choose. Thank goodness for modern technology.

She was such a tomboy and loved Pokémon and Sonic the hedgehog and video games but her favorite color was still pink and purple. She used to follow YouTube and in particular this gamer called Stampy. In fact when she was asked by the charity Make A Wish she asked to meet Stampy.

Unfortunately she passed away quicker than we thought and never got to meet him. I decorated her coffin with Stampy and Pokémon pictures I’m sure she would have been pleased. I also named my new hamster Stampy, it’s like I’m still trying to keep her with me all the time.

Anyway Christmas is over now as I try to finish this post. We got through it and I think in some parts we may have even enjoyed bits of it.

Miss you terrible my darling, love you to the moon and back.

Till we meet again

XXX

Happy birthday my beautiful girl

27th August 2017 would have been your 13th birthday, a teenager.  I wonder so much what you would have been like, would life have been any easier for you my darling.  Would you have understood your autism and cf more, would you have learnt to cope with taking your meds better or doing your physio? Realistically probably not.

You were always such a strong character and no one could tell you what to do, not even me who I know you trusted.  I miss you so much baby, I just wish I could visit you and wish you a happy birthday and get one more cuddle.

Gran and I booked a safari for the week of your birthday, how silly of me to think I would be too distracted and busy to be upset.  No matter how hard I try I’m finding it hard to stick to my promise to ‘celebrate’ your birth on this day and not the fact that your no longer with me.

Jim has made my life so much better and I thank God for sending him to me but the ache of you not being here never goes away.  Jim’s birthday falls the day before yours, this helps me realise how lucky I still am to have special people in my life.  He proposed to me in July and in such a romantic way I’m still reeling from it, I never expected myself to ever smile again let alone be happy and looking forward and not always backwards.

I miss you so much my bubba.

Happy Birthday my angel

Love momma xxxxx

I forgive him

Today my darling Órla I’m writing to tell you I forgive him – your dad

 I’ve spent so much of the last 3 years (and probably before that) blaming him for my losing you.  Now I know that sounds ridiculous as you died from Cystic Fibrosis and your Autism attributed to its decline so it’s not as if he had anything personally to do with it – right?

Although if I’m being factual here both your dad and I had the gene that carries CF and therefore we are both to blame for giving you that horrible disease. 

No I’m not talking factual, I’m talking about the day (or indeed days) your dad promised me he had not been unfaithful and as I didn’t believe him I asked him to swear on your life and he did.  

Of course we know now that firstly,  he doesn’t believe in God and therefore the swear meant absolutely nothing to him, and secondly, it was one of the first of many lies throughout our marriage.  What he did know was how I judged his response on my belief and my faith and him knowing how much I believed.

I suppose I needed someone to blame, someone to feel angry with.  It is said that people turn from God at times of grief but for me he was my only link left to you and I needed to stay as close as possible to him if I was ever to see you again – so I turned on your dad.

From the very second the light went out in your eyes I hated him with a passion, I wanted him to have no part in your funeral, I could barely stand to have him in the house.  I turned my back on him and didn’t see him again in nearly three years.  Years we could of helped each other grieve OR NOT we will never know I never gave him the chance but thankfully I also had family and friends and two lovely therapists to help me get through it.

I now feel it’s time to let go of my anger and to be grateful we both have come out the other side albeit it broken and torn were still here when your not.

It was on your third anniversary that I reached out as I knew no one else in this whole world was feeling as I was during those hours except your dad and I.  I missed you so much it physically hurt every bit of me.  

It felt good talking about you, remembering you together.  You are our precious baby and nobody could love you more than your mom and dad.  I felt a great relief as if you were happy with me, and your dad said it helped him too.  Maybe one day I’ll be able to meet him again and remember the happy times we had with you.  I love you my bubba and continue to miss you every waking moment.

Till we meet again xxxxx

My most precious gift

Today my darling, I feel you about me but I’m not crying and I’m not sad.  It was your third anniversary a couple of days ago and although it wasn’t a great week I got through it.  Three years and Four days ago I last heard your voice, three years ago and two days ago i last saw you physically but today I feel you all around me and I want to thank you for that my little bubba.


Till we meet again 🌹

Another Easter without you 💔


We’re coming up to another Easter without you my darling how I wish I was hiding eggs for you as well as Leigh.  

It’s Jim and my first Easter in our new apartment so I’m inviting grandma, Zoëy and of course Leigh round for turkey and ham dinner.  Trying to set new traditions for our family as you and grandad are not here to do our old traditions.  It’s still so hard without you I can’t believe it’s nearly three years why doesn’t it get any easier.  I miss you so much my life just doesn’t seem worth it.  I still long for the day I join you and I know I’m not supposed to feel like this but I do, not every day but most days.

I know I’m lucky to have a beautiful grandson now and a daughter to be proud of but the yearning to cuddle you, to hold you in my arms is still so strong, I simply can’t imagine not feeling this way, 

Gran and I are still traveling the world and trying to live life to the full as we promised you and grandad but the novelty soon wears off and your dragged back to reality.

If I could ask one request from you & grandad could you please send someone for your sister.  CeCe (Zoëy) makes out she’s so strong and independent and she is but she, as you know, struggles on her own with Leigh,  my one wish is for her to find a special person to look after her and help her bring up Leigh together.  She certainly deserves it after what she’s been through.

Happy Easter my beautiful girl, mommy loves you so much. 

Until we meet again my angel

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

Miss you my darling 

Thoughts of you fill my mind so much this last week my darling Órla.

Leigh just turned two and is growing into a beautiful little boy, it scares me to think that he is quickly growing and will soon reach and go past your 9 years.  I’m so lucky to have such a beautiful grandson in my life but I can’t help feel how cruel life is.  I would give anything to have you back.

I of course miss grandad too but he lived a good life and I had him for 46 years as my daddy, your life was so short and full of pain.  How can god have been so cruel?

I’m as happy as I can be in this world without you, I’m in love with a whole new chapter beginning for Jim and I in our new home.  I’m moving back to be near Zoëy and Leigh and all my friends and grandma and myself have some fabulous holiday adventures coming up this year.  I realise how lucky I am compared to some others but I’d give it all up in a heartbeat if I could see you and hold just one more day.

I thought time was supposed to heal …..

It doesn’t it just makes me worry I’ll forget the sound of your voice, the smell of your hair and the feel of my arms around you.

I miss you so much my Órla porla.

Mummy loves you xxxxxx


2 years 19 days

It’s been 2 years 19days since my life changed forever.  My little girl found freedom and was able to breathe easy without anymore pain and I found the courage because of her passing to find my own freedom and break free of an abusive marriage.

So what have I learned in these 2 years 19days?

I have felt pain like I never knew I could feel, heart wrenching gut twisting pain.  I remember feeling pain each time I’d find out my husband had cheated on me and thinking nothing could hurt more than this, then my dad passed away after a short illness and I felt I couldn’t possibly hurt anymore but oh boy was I wrong.  Two brief months later my precious child joined my dad and I was overcome with pain like I’ve never felt.  I could think of nothing else other than wanting to join her in heaven, it was all encompassing and thoughts of being with her wouldn’t leave my head.  If it wasn’t  for my only other child and her finding out she was pregnant the day before Órla left us I know for a fact I would not be here today.

The pain has not eased and I know now it never will.  Life without my youngest child will always be wrong.  I think of her every minute of every day, she is my first and last thought  and if I’m totally honest I’m looking forward to the day I meet her again.  I have no fear of death anymore because it means I get to see my angel but I will not choose this for myself because I know I have another daughter who needs me and also a beautiful grandson.  Only God will decide when I join my baby.

I have also learned to control my grief, I learned fairly quickly that people (especially other mums) don’t want to hear about the pain of losing a child it’s too raw and too terrifying for them to even attempt to understand.  No matter how hard it is I’ve learnt to sit and listen and nod at their children’s achievements without bursting into tears even though my heart is breaking just a little bit more.  Sometimes on low days I search out the people that I didn’t meet through Órla because no matter how close a friend they are it just hurts too much.

I’ve learned to value my own life and realise how precious life is.  After spending 15 years with my first husband who then left unexpectedly and rebounding a mere 3 months later with my 2nd husband and wasting another 15 years on an abusive relationship I’ve finally found my own worth and realise I am complete on my own and don’t need a man by my side. I enjoy life to the full and think in the here and now.

I’ve learnt to take life as it comes, value the friendships I have and not waste time on negative people.  I’ve become more selfish with my time.  My time is precious and I’m not willing to waste anymore of it.

I’ve learned to take chances and opportunities with life, none of us know if our tomorrow comes.

All of this I attribute to the loss of my daughter, she made me realise how lucky I am to have to still have life and not to take it for granted.

I love and miss you bubba as much today as the day you left me 2 years 19 days ago.  I will be forever greatful that you chose me as your mummy and graced me with those 9 precious years.  You taught me so much in your short life and continue to teach me in your death.

Till we meet again xxx