Archives

Happy 12th Birthday

I struggled to begin this post today, last Saturday should have been your 12th birthday with your family and of course we celebrated it with cake and a party (although as you know your mom & gran got so drunk we forgot all about lighting you cake until the next day).

Was it your 12th birthday? Are you 12 my angel or are you forever 9 in heaven? I promised to always celebrate your birthday & try and be happy because that was the  day you blessed us with your life but I’m not sure how I should think of you now as my ever growing nearly teenager? But no that can’t be, do you still grow in heaven? 

I had planned a fancy dinner to raise funds for your memorial page for Cystic Fibrosis, I so wanted to hit that £2000 mark but it all got too much for me and I cancelled it all at the last minute.  Why do I put so much pressure on myself, I feel I should be doing something important on your birthday and doing something in your honour, I want people to say your name & talk about you, I never want you to be forgotten.

So I put party decorations up and blew up balloons and cooked a special dinner for gran, CeCe & baby leighlo, Uncle Pat, Aunty Ann & your cousin Lauryn.  I also had Jim there which I know you would have wanted as you sent him to me.  We released some of your special balloons in the park and tried to fly some lanterns which was a complete disaster but gave us a laugh at the time. 

After hours of dancing to Mike Denver in the front room (I even managed to drag Uncle Pat up for a dance or two) I was told I fell asleep at 3.30 am although I really don’t remember. I think it was safe to say we definitely ‘celebrated’ the day in your honour.

I think I’m choosing to believe that you are forever 9 in heaven and that although your birthday here on earth would have made you older we are just celebrating the 9 years 9 months & 20 days we had you with us.  

Happy Birthday my precious girl, I miss you so much darling but then you know that already.  

Till we meet again.

orlarose.muchloved.com

Advertisements

2 years 19 days

It’s been 2 years 19days since my life changed forever.  My little girl found freedom and was able to breathe easy without anymore pain and I found the courage because of her passing to find my own freedom and break free of an abusive marriage.

So what have I learned in these 2 years 19days?

I have felt pain like I never knew I could feel, heart wrenching gut twisting pain.  I remember feeling pain each time I’d find out my husband had cheated on me and thinking nothing could hurt more than this, then my dad passed away after a short illness and I felt I couldn’t possibly hurt anymore but oh boy was I wrong.  Two brief months later my precious child joined my dad and I was overcome with pain like I’ve never felt.  I could think of nothing else other than wanting to join her in heaven, it was all encompassing and thoughts of being with her wouldn’t leave my head.  If it wasn’t  for my only other child and her finding out she was pregnant the day before Órla left us I know for a fact I would not be here today.

The pain has not eased and I know now it never will.  Life without my youngest child will always be wrong.  I think of her every minute of every day, she is my first and last thought  and if I’m totally honest I’m looking forward to the day I meet her again.  I have no fear of death anymore because it means I get to see my angel but I will not choose this for myself because I know I have another daughter who needs me and also a beautiful grandson.  Only God will decide when I join my baby.

I have also learned to control my grief, I learned fairly quickly that people (especially other mums) don’t want to hear about the pain of losing a child it’s too raw and too terrifying for them to even attempt to understand.  No matter how hard it is I’ve learnt to sit and listen and nod at their children’s achievements without bursting into tears even though my heart is breaking just a little bit more.  Sometimes on low days I search out the people that I didn’t meet through Órla because no matter how close a friend they are it just hurts too much.

I’ve learned to value my own life and realise how precious life is.  After spending 15 years with my first husband who then left unexpectedly and rebounding a mere 3 months later with my 2nd husband and wasting another 15 years on an abusive relationship I’ve finally found my own worth and realise I am complete on my own and don’t need a man by my side. I enjoy life to the full and think in the here and now.

I’ve learnt to take life as it comes, value the friendships I have and not waste time on negative people.  I’ve become more selfish with my time.  My time is precious and I’m not willing to waste anymore of it.

I’ve learned to take chances and opportunities with life, none of us know if our tomorrow comes.

All of this I attribute to the loss of my daughter, she made me realise how lucky I am to have to still have life and not to take it for granted.

I love and miss you bubba as much today as the day you left me 2 years 19 days ago.  I will be forever greatful that you chose me as your mummy and graced me with those 9 precious years.  You taught me so much in your short life and continue to teach me in your death.

Till we meet again xxx


Cystic fibrosis collection

Last week I arranged a bag pack in our local tesco store in aid of Órla’s memorial fund which goes to The Cystic Fibrosis Trust.  It was a bit scared because although I had helped in many bag pack I hadn’t organised one myself.  I felt it was a bit like organising a party where your not really sure who will show up and whether it will be a success or a flop.

When I first asked my friends I got a lot of yes of course n definitely some check nearer the time but I was confident I would have at least 10 plus people to help me out.  I didn’t want to take up too much of their time so I decided to collect during the hours of 4pm – 6pm which I hoped on a Friday evening would be pretty busy.

When the day arrived I was let down by several people (not naming names) and it really showed me who my real friends are.  I learnt a valuable lesson from this task one which I will not forget in a hurry.

We managed to raise a lovely £700 towards Órla’s memorial fund which I was so grateful for and I chatted to some really lovely people along the way. The public’s generousity never ceases to amaze me.  I got to talk about Órla a lot which always makes me happy.

Would I do it again? Yes definitely.


orlarose.muchloved.com

Mother’s Day without you

Another celebration without you here beside me.  Mother’s Day will never be a day to celebrate again for me because although I still have my beautiful mom still with me, I cannot help but think of you on this day.  

I miss you so much darling, my heart still aches to feel your arms wrapped around my neck.  I would give anything to hear you call me ‘mom’ again.  The pain just seems to get harder to bare as each year passes.  

Till we meet again bubba 💜

orlarose.muchloved.com

  

Grey days

I hate days like today where my grief overtakes me and I turn into a blubbering wreck.  On ‘grey’ days getting out of bed and joining the world is not an option.  I recognise that every other week one of ‘these’ days occur and are part and parcel of my way of coping with my loss.  I allow myself the time to wallow in my self pity and cry about how sad my life is without you in it.  I cry for all the years I’ll never have with you, I cry for all the birthdays that friends have with their children when ours stopped at 9 years.  I try to remind myself how lucky I was to have those 9 beautiful years, I try to recall those early memories that are buried deep inside me to no avail because on ‘grey’ days only images of your last days with us manage to break through only memories of the final hours are there.  No matter how hard I try I can’t remember your happy, smiling face.  

I hate days like today.
  
http://www.orlarose.muchloved.com

Happy New Year Órla

Another year that begins without you, my 2nd so far but this year I feel so much more positive than last year. 

I’ve come along way on my grief journey, I’ve welcomed a beautiful grandson to our family, the bond between your sister, myself and grandma is glued tightly together forever.  I’m appreciating life so much more and concentrating on ‘living in the moment’ everyday matters.  I’ve undergone weightloss surgery over Christmas so that I can value the vessel God has given me and respect my body something I’ve never done before.  Your little body had so much to cope with and yet I continued to abuse mine.  You’ve taught me so much in your short life about appreciating life and the people around me.  I know since you and dad have left us people pity me but it is I that pity them, I know the true meaning of God’s love, of loss and of hope.  I know you are with me everyday, I know you will always be by my side guiding my every move.

I promise you as this new year approaches that I will continue to say your name as often as I can.  I promise to continue to raise awareness and funds for Cystic Fibrosis in your memory.  I promise to value myself and commit to making a ‘better me’.

I love and miss you every second of every day my darling but I’m not giving up.  I so wish I could have one more cuddle but I know I will have to wait until I see you again.  Give granda a big hug from me.  Until we meet again Happy New Year In Heaven ❤️💜❤️