My most precious gift

Today my darling, I feel you about me but I’m not crying and I’m not sad.  It was your third anniversary a couple of days ago and although it wasn’t a great week I got through it.  Three years and Four days ago I last heard your voice, three years ago and two days ago i last saw you physically but today I feel you all around me and I want to thank you for that my little bubba.


Till we meet again 🌹

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Another Easter without you 💔


We’re coming up to another Easter without you my darling how I wish I was hiding eggs for you as well as Leigh.  

It’s Jim and my first Easter in our new apartment so I’m inviting grandma, Zoëy and of course Leigh round for turkey and ham dinner.  Trying to set new traditions for our family as you and grandad are not here to do our old traditions.  It’s still so hard without you I can’t believe it’s nearly three years why doesn’t it get any easier.  I miss you so much my life just doesn’t seem worth it.  I still long for the day I join you and I know I’m not supposed to feel like this but I do, not every day but most days.

I know I’m lucky to have a beautiful grandson now and a daughter to be proud of but the yearning to cuddle you, to hold you in my arms is still so strong, I simply can’t imagine not feeling this way, 

Gran and I are still traveling the world and trying to live life to the full as we promised you and grandad but the novelty soon wears off and your dragged back to reality.

If I could ask one request from you & grandad could you please send someone for your sister.  CeCe (Zoëy) makes out she’s so strong and independent and she is but she, as you know, struggles on her own with Leigh,  my one wish is for her to find a special person to look after her and help her bring up Leigh together.  She certainly deserves it after what she’s been through.

Happy Easter my beautiful girl, mommy loves you so much. 

Until we meet again my angel

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

Miss you my darling 

Thoughts of you fill my mind so much this last week my darling Órla.

Leigh just turned two and is growing into a beautiful little boy, it scares me to think that he is quickly growing and will soon reach and go past your 9 years.  I’m so lucky to have such a beautiful grandson in my life but I can’t help feel how cruel life is.  I would give anything to have you back.

I of course miss grandad too but he lived a good life and I had him for 46 years as my daddy, your life was so short and full of pain.  How can god have been so cruel?

I’m as happy as I can be in this world without you, I’m in love with a whole new chapter beginning for Jim and I in our new home.  I’m moving back to be near Zoëy and Leigh and all my friends and grandma and myself have some fabulous holiday adventures coming up this year.  I realise how lucky I am compared to some others but I’d give it all up in a heartbeat if I could see you and hold just one more day.

I thought time was supposed to heal …..

It doesn’t it just makes me worry I’ll forget the sound of your voice, the smell of your hair and the feel of my arms around you.

I miss you so much my Órla porla.

Mummy loves you xxxxxx


Another Christmas without you 💔


It’s been nearly 4 months since I’ve written on your blog, my last post was for your birthday.  So much has happened in those months darling. 

I met and fell in love with a lovely man, a good man who looks after me.  On our first date he bought me a beautiful rose made out of feathers.  I felt it was a sign from you my Órla Rose giving your approval.  On our second date I found out his birthday was the day before yours (a day now that I dread every year) and that evening whilst we were standing outside I noticed a little white fluffy feather, my sign from you to let me know your there, directly at his feet.  

We’re on our 6th month together now and I can’t quite believe I feel happiness again.  For a while I felt guilty that I woke up thinking of him and not you but I know you knew that I could never forget you my darling.  We’re making plans for the future and for the first time since you left us I’m looking forward to my future.  I talk about you all the time to him.  I want him to know you and learn how brave and strong you were.  I show him your pictures and let him hear your voice, he comforts me when I’m having a bad day although I know he can’t feel my pain it’s nice to have someone to cuddle & love me again.

It’s approaching Christmas again, our third without you and myself, Jim, grandma, CeCe and Leigh will all be spending it together.  Grandma put her tree up this year as Leigh is more aware of what’s going on around him the first time since you and grandad went to heaven.  This week I put my Órla angel tree up and began selling your Órla Angel key rings and bookmarks for your memorial fund.  It’s cheered me up so much that I actually feel a bit Christmassy.

I hope you and grandad are happy & excited and looking forward to Jesus’s birthday up there.  We will never enjoy Christmas the same ever again without you both but I want you to know that although I miss you everyday bubba I’m ok and living my life to the full.

Till we meet again my angel xxxxxx

    

Happy 12th Birthday

I struggled to begin this post today, last Saturday should have been your 12th birthday with your family and of course we celebrated it with cake and a party (although as you know your mom & gran got so drunk we forgot all about lighting you cake until the next day).

Was it your 12th birthday? Are you 12 my angel or are you forever 9 in heaven? I promised to always celebrate your birthday & try and be happy because that was the  day you blessed us with your life but I’m not sure how I should think of you now as my ever growing nearly teenager? But no that can’t be, do you still grow in heaven? 

I had planned a fancy dinner to raise funds for your memorial page for Cystic Fibrosis, I so wanted to hit that £2000 mark but it all got too much for me and I cancelled it all at the last minute.  Why do I put so much pressure on myself, I feel I should be doing something important on your birthday and doing something in your honour, I want people to say your name & talk about you, I never want you to be forgotten.

So I put party decorations up and blew up balloons and cooked a special dinner for gran, CeCe & baby leighlo, Uncle Pat, Aunty Ann & your cousin Lauryn.  I also had Jim there which I know you would have wanted as you sent him to me.  We released some of your special balloons in the park and tried to fly some lanterns which was a complete disaster but gave us a laugh at the time. 

After hours of dancing to Mike Denver in the front room (I even managed to drag Uncle Pat up for a dance or two) I was told I fell asleep at 3.30 am although I really don’t remember. I think it was safe to say we definitely ‘celebrated’ the day in your honour.

I think I’m choosing to believe that you are forever 9 in heaven and that although your birthday here on earth would have made you older we are just celebrating the 9 years 9 months & 20 days we had you with us.  

Happy Birthday my precious girl, I miss you so much darling but then you know that already.  

Till we meet again.

orlarose.muchloved.com

2 years 19 days

It’s been 2 years 19days since my life changed forever.  My little girl found freedom and was able to breathe easy without anymore pain and I found the courage because of her passing to find my own freedom and break free of an abusive marriage.

So what have I learned in these 2 years 19days?

I have felt pain like I never knew I could feel, heart wrenching gut twisting pain.  I remember feeling pain each time I’d find out my husband had cheated on me and thinking nothing could hurt more than this, then my dad passed away after a short illness and I felt I couldn’t possibly hurt anymore but oh boy was I wrong.  Two brief months later my precious child joined my dad and I was overcome with pain like I’ve never felt.  I could think of nothing else other than wanting to join her in heaven, it was all encompassing and thoughts of being with her wouldn’t leave my head.  If it wasn’t  for my only other child and her finding out she was pregnant the day before Órla left us I know for a fact I would not be here today.

The pain has not eased and I know now it never will.  Life without my youngest child will always be wrong.  I think of her every minute of every day, she is my first and last thought  and if I’m totally honest I’m looking forward to the day I meet her again.  I have no fear of death anymore because it means I get to see my angel but I will not choose this for myself because I know I have another daughter who needs me and also a beautiful grandson.  Only God will decide when I join my baby.

I have also learned to control my grief, I learned fairly quickly that people (especially other mums) don’t want to hear about the pain of losing a child it’s too raw and too terrifying for them to even attempt to understand.  No matter how hard it is I’ve learnt to sit and listen and nod at their children’s achievements without bursting into tears even though my heart is breaking just a little bit more.  Sometimes on low days I search out the people that I didn’t meet through Órla because no matter how close a friend they are it just hurts too much.

I’ve learned to value my own life and realise how precious life is.  After spending 15 years with my first husband who then left unexpectedly and rebounding a mere 3 months later with my 2nd husband and wasting another 15 years on an abusive relationship I’ve finally found my own worth and realise I am complete on my own and don’t need a man by my side. I enjoy life to the full and think in the here and now.

I’ve learnt to take life as it comes, value the friendships I have and not waste time on negative people.  I’ve become more selfish with my time.  My time is precious and I’m not willing to waste anymore of it.

I’ve learned to take chances and opportunities with life, none of us know if our tomorrow comes.

All of this I attribute to the loss of my daughter, she made me realise how lucky I am to have to still have life and not to take it for granted.

I love and miss you bubba as much today as the day you left me 2 years 19 days ago.  I will be forever greatful that you chose me as your mummy and graced me with those 9 precious years.  You taught me so much in your short life and continue to teach me in your death.

Till we meet again xxx