Today I am struggling with my emotions, if I’m honest I’ve been feeling like this quite a bit lately. I feel that I’m losing control.
Since losing Órla I feel I have no purpose anymore. I spent all of her 9+ years fighting for her. Fighting to get a diagnosis of her autism, fighting to get her statemented for school so she would get extra help. This then turned to fighting to get a diagnosis of why she kept getting ill all the time and why the anti biotics never seemed to work. After receiving a diagnosis of cystic fibrosis it was fighting to keep her healthy and when things started to go downhill it was fighting to keep her quality of life as happy as I could. Now all the fighting is over and my babies gone, I don’t want to fight anymore I just want to give up.
At first during the first few weeks and months I couldn’t bare to leave the front room where I bought the bed in which Órla spent her last days. I didn’t want to open the curtains or socialise with anyone including my other grown-up daughter and my mother who had been living with me since my dad passed two mere months before Órla joined him. I continued going to see my councillor who I had been seeing since the year before. I cried and cried till there was no more tears left. Slowly I got rid of the bed stained by Órla’s death and moved upstairs to her bedroom. Week by week I got through all the firsts, her 10th birthday less than 3 months after she died spent away from home in a spa hotel with mum and my remaining daughter, the first Halloween (her favourite holiday) again spent away from home in some hotel with mum. The first Christmas spent far away in Canada with my sister, the first Easter spent at home with no one to do an Easter egg hunt for and finally the first anniversary of my child’s passing a day spent trying to forget what had happened the year before with the help of alcohol.
Now here I am approaching what would have been Órla’s 11th birthday but is now her 2nd birthday spent in heaven and I feel more lost today than I did all those months ago when she first left me.
Everything has changed so much, my dads gone, my daughters gone, my other daughter has a beautiful son, I now live half my time in Newry with them and the other half in Dublin with my mum. I’m torn between two worlds one where my dad & Órla live and the other divided between houses. My relationship with my husband had been bad for a long time due to violence and cheating and I only stayed with him for Órla’s sake, with her gone I was free to break lose and I haven’t spoken to him in over a year. So much in my life has changed.
The reality of my life is hitting me hard. Alcohol and depression are closely becoming my best friends. I’m forcing myself to get out and about to mix with old and new friends and some days I can feel ok and go to bed and sleep well but then suddenly the next moment I’m right back down to where I was in those first dark days. Today is one of those days.
Miss you Órla, miss you daddy life will never be the same.
I can’t quite believe In 5 days it will be a year since you’ve left me, my world has been turned upside down and inside out and yet I’m still standing. Most people would be angry at the world, at God, for letting this happen to you. It’s so unfair that your life was so short and filled with so much confusion and pain but in my hour of need I’ve turned to God. Now it’s not that I didn’t believe before, my parents brought me up as a good catholic but going to mass every week was not something I did once I left my parents house. I still believed but not like I do today.
When you got sick I started talking more and more to God, asking for strength & hope and then when your pain was so bad I begged God to take you home to him. These days I ask for guidance in my life, I ask for peace within myself, I ask for help to keep my mental state at a healthy balance even if it is with the help of man made drugs (there were some tricky times at the start) I try to look at the positives I’ve had in my life and not just the negatives. I’m grateful for the 9 years I had with you and look forward to when we meet again.
I thank god everyday for the gift of living, the gift of making new friendships and having new experiences. I’m grateful to have my family so close and I’m thankful that I’m finally able to bond with my new grandson without feeling guilty of loving and missing you less.
That’s not to say I’m happy because I can categorically say that I will never truly be happy again without you by my side. My heart will be forever broken but I am learning to deal with the ache of missing you, I’m getting used to controlling the uncontrollable sobbing, my body is accepting the physical pain I feel every time I remember your not here as a new normal.
I hope you are happy in your new home and that your not teasing granda too much. I hope you have lots of new friends to play with because that was something that you struggled with here on earth, you deserve lots of friends.
Thank you for the signs you have been sending me, I’m sorry I keep asking but I need to know your ok without me. You always seem to know when I need them most. I know your watching over us all and keeping us safe.
I miss you so much Órla porla but I know your in your paradise.
You will always be ‘mamma’s little bubba and my number one’ (Cece knows the rules) xxx