I can’t quite believe In 5 days it will be a year since you’ve left me, my world has been turned upside down and inside out and yet I’m still standing. Most people would be angry at the world, at God, for letting this happen to you. It’s so unfair that your life was so short and filled with so much confusion and pain but in my hour of need I’ve turned to God. Now it’s not that I didn’t believe before, my parents brought me up as a good catholic but going to mass every week was not something I did once I left my parents house. I still believed but not like I do today.
When you got sick I started talking more and more to God, asking for strength & hope and then when your pain was so bad I begged God to take you home to him. These days I ask for guidance in my life, I ask for peace within myself, I ask for help to keep my mental state at a healthy balance even if it is with the help of man made drugs (there were some tricky times at the start) I try to look at the positives I’ve had in my life and not just the negatives. I’m grateful for the 9 years I had with you and look forward to when we meet again.
I thank god everyday for the gift of living, the gift of making new friendships and having new experiences. I’m grateful to have my family so close and I’m thankful that I’m finally able to bond with my new grandson without feeling guilty of loving and missing you less.
That’s not to say I’m happy because I can categorically say that I will never truly be happy again without you by my side. My heart will be forever broken but I am learning to deal with the ache of missing you, I’m getting used to controlling the uncontrollable sobbing, my body is accepting the physical pain I feel every time I remember your not here as a new normal.
I hope you are happy in your new home and that your not teasing granda too much. I hope you have lots of new friends to play with because that was something that you struggled with here on earth, you deserve lots of friends.
Thank you for the signs you have been sending me, I’m sorry I keep asking but I need to know your ok without me. You always seem to know when I need them most. I know your watching over us all and keeping us safe.
I miss you so much Órla porla but I know your in your paradise.
You will always be ‘mamma’s little bubba and my number one’ (Cece knows the rules) xxx